You Made Me Feel I Was Everything to you…How Did You Not Know You Were Everything To Me?
As this Blog is totally public- I can’t stop the people who I feel wronged me and US; then and more recently, from reading this and possibly responding to what I may write, it is my truth! Before I lost Stuarty I was a person who lived by a philosophy of ‘Venganza’; afterwards, now I’ve had the time to think; reflect about what he used say often to me and how he lived life- “Its always Love my Lobster, Hate will get at YOU every time”. I couldn’t understand how he could forgive such terrible things which happened to him and those he loved, how he could hold no grudges and never be held back by bitterness. He listened to his inner voice that I hope is in us all- It’s only Love that can save us (cliched possibly: but true), even when we want to fight. Hate holds you back, it blocks progress, it clouds your mind. Listen to that voice- it might only be a whisper- but it’s your capacity to Love thats talking to you, don’t wait till the end of your existence to listen to it and have regrets, react now! Life is brutal, bitter, painful and it can seem to some (myself included) not worth living, BUT Life is beautiful too and those moments are the moments that make all that brutal pain and pointlessness worth so much more combined than all the pain I’ve endured. This blog for a little while at least will be my journey through being bereaved by the sudden Suicide of my Beautiful 28 year old Husband. Widowhood at 31 years of age isn’t in anyones plan, I was 32 on Christmas Day and I realised I’m now even older than he was. We were 3 years apart in age but he’ll never see 30 and I have.
The main point of this new series of posts is to help me learn to listen to that voice that rang so clear in his head, heart and soul. He never obviously loved himself the way I loved him, I would give my life a 1000 times over to have his back. He was truly the most special person I ever knew, I didn’t believe in love until he stumbled into my life, he taught that and he taught me to love myself, he opened my heart to trust completely. You only have my words to say how special a human being he was and how much he is missed not only by his family but a far wider group of people. So I hope this series in my Blog on my journey through grief will not only help people understand who Stuart was as a man, husband, father, friend, colleague and general decent human being. But also I hope it helps others either struggling with their own grief process (which sadly is as individual as each person on this earth) or people who are on the edge, I speak to YOU directly- Life is worth living- maybe not at this moment but you need to reach out and ask for someone, anyone for help to lead you back to the door that leads to life. Life is just a choice thats all- to go on despite all tragedies and pain thrown your way or to give in. But if its the latter you choose- its a long term solution for a short term problem for you, but the people who fill your life (you may not think or believe this BUT) they will live with this for a lifetime! Take it from me I know, I lived it, I still do and always will- I will go to my own death thinking of Stuart’s Death, of that moment. Life is a gift and its so precious- the Key isn’t being strong, its just not giving up- there is always a way out! ALWAYS!!! Sometimes you just need someone to lead the way…
I wish more than you could ever know my Lobster, that you had loved you the way I loved you, the way the kids loved you. You are a loss to humanity and my whole life no matter if its long or short- You will be remembered and remembered well!!! Where ever you may be, I still feel you and its you who has change me- I let go of the crap and the bitterness, I move on and see everyday as the day that I could make a difference. You did that and my love for you still remains as strong as it did the last time I told!!