Whatever Sorrow Shakes Series…

You own me even in death

I just love his face, its intensity, the kindness, the green eyes I miss everyday!


You Made Me Feel I Was Everything to you…How Did You Not Know You Were Everything To Me?

As this Blog is totally public- I can’t stop the people who I feel wronged me and US; then and more recently, from reading this and possibly responding to what I may write, it is my truth! Before I lost Stuarty I was a person who lived by a philosophy of ‘Venganza’; afterwards, now I’ve had the time to think; reflect about what he used say often to me and how he lived life- “Its always Love my Lobster, Hate will get at YOU every time”. I couldn’t understand how he could forgive such terrible things which happened to him and those he loved, how he could hold no grudges and never be held back by bitterness. He listened to his inner voice that I hope is in us all- It’s only Love that can save us (cliched possibly: but true), even when we want to fight. Hate holds you back, it blocks progress, it clouds your mind. Listen to that voice- it might only be a whisper- but it’s your capacity to Love thats talking to you, don’t wait till the end of your existence to listen to it and have regrets, react now! Life is brutal, bitter, painful and it can seem to some (myself included) not worth living, BUT Life is beautiful too and those moments are the moments that make all that brutal pain and pointlessness worth so much more combined than all the pain I’ve endured. This blog for a little while at least will be my journey through being bereaved by the sudden Suicide of my Beautiful 28 year old Husband. Widowhood at 31 years of age isn’t in anyones plan, I was 32 on Christmas Day and I realised I’m now even older than he was. We were 3 years apart in age but he’ll never see 30 and I have.

We got there in the end!

The Giants Causeway, NI!

The main point of this new series of posts is to help me learn to listen to that voice that rang so clear in his head, heart and soul. He never obviously loved himself the way I loved him, I would give my life a 1000 times over to have his back. He was truly the most special person I ever knew, I didn’t believe in love until he stumbled into my life, he taught that and he taught me to love myself, he opened my heart to trust completely. You only have my words to say how special a human being he was and how much he is missed not only by his family but a far wider group of people. So I hope this series in my Blog on my journey through grief will not only help people understand who Stuart was as a man, husband, father, friend, colleague and general decent human being. But also I hope it helps others either struggling with their own grief process (which sadly is as individual as each person on this earth) or people who are on the edge, I speak to YOU directly- Life is worth living- maybe not at this moment but you need to reach out and ask for someone, anyone for help to lead you back to the door that leads to life. Life is just a choice thats all- to go on despite all tragedies and pain thrown your way or to give in. But if its the latter you choose- its a long term solution for a short term problem for you, but the people who fill your life (you may not think or believe this BUT) they will live with this for a lifetime! Take it from me I know, I lived it, I still do and always will- I will go to my own death thinking of Stuart’s Death, of that moment. Life is a gift and its so precious- the Key isn’t being strong, its just not giving up- there is always a way out! ALWAYS!!! Sometimes you just need someone to lead the way…

I wish more than you could ever know my Lobster, that you had loved you the way I loved you, the way the kids loved you. You are a loss to humanity and my whole life no matter if its long or short- You will be remembered and remembered well!!! Where ever you may be, I still feel you and its you who has change me- I let go of the crap and the bitterness, I move on and see everyday as the day that I could make a difference. You did that and my love for you still remains as strong as it did the last time I told!!

Egypt 2010

In the sun his green eyes got greener!

The random rose gift!

Stuarty would often randomly give me a rose from our garden.


9 thoughts on “Whatever Sorrow Shakes Series…

  1. The first photo of this section is like looking right at Zachy. I’ve never noticed thay before. I think he’ll grow up to look even more like his Daddy.
    That was a tough read this one and the lifes a bitch one. The writings amazing, poignant. It brought me tears as usual!
    One of life’s real tragedies with no Stuart here anymore and the existence of these posts which represent that journey. A journwy which I wish anyone who knew him and cared about him wasnt on but especially you because I can feel the sorrow in every word.
    To end on a positive note, with all of lifes sadness there is beauty aswel and I never realised how much of a romantic stuart actually was till after his passing. Giving you roses from the garden, the thoughtful and meaningful gifts, pete and Simone. It just makes me smile to think of you 2 cheesy sopps x

    Liked by 1 person

    • We had these small little secret signs- that now I only know- he was a man who loved me and his children deeply! And he showed it! The random roses always took me by surprise, as well as his origami paper cranes- I have a box full of them and his poetry to me! If true love had an existence it was him! The biggest fear I have is that he never knew the depth and completeness of my love for him! When we call each other “My Lobster” we meant it- it was for life- richer, poorer, sickness and health and even though he’s on the other side now- he is the star that guides me now and all that love we had doesn’t just evaporate- it came into me and my heart is full- and I swear that sometimes I feel two beats of my heart (probably my heart condition)! His heart beats in me now and his children- and those stars he thought guided us will one day guide me back to him! 💜❤️💜💋


  2. as a young man with mental health issues fighting a sometimes losing battle talking always helps karen sometimes the voice inside is screaming too loud and you just do things so quickly without thought nor regret! Stuart forgave people so easily because that was just him a gentleman and 1 of a kind I’m glad I had the privlage to meet him and call him my friend every word you have wrote there is so true there is not enough time on earth to hold grudges or be bitter so just know i love you and the kids Paul! x

    Liked by 1 person

    • The Voice is Loud- BOOMING sometimes, sometimes acts are thought through sometimes they are spontaneous. No one can be held accountable for the choice to end their life! But IF you take a breath, a moment it may be enough to hear that whisper of the voice I talk of- its love that speaks, the love of your children, your family, of ultimately life. Your battle Paul is brutal, torturous and will take over your life, but it won’t become your life. When you have healed those mental wounds and built the strength to face the trouble that will undoubtably come your way- think of Stuart- his kindness, lack of bitterness, he taught me after much soul searching there is no such thing as the right time to change. Just one step in a positive direction day by day is enough to hold on to life. He was a true gentleman and overall Wonderfull human being. Love is all that matters, its the only that creates, heals and gives you peace. Everything else ashes that blow in the tornado of life.


      • Thats what i liked about stuart no matter what he found something in common with someone he was so easy to get along with and to talk to such a kind gentle soul with not an ounce of hate for anyone such a gentleman.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Sometime I wish he did have that bit hate, maybe that would have protected him from himself. But you’re right he was kind to everyone, engaged on their level, never acted above them. A man who as you say was a true gentleman in the actual sense of the word.


  3. I have just read this and felt every word that you have written. You are so passionate about what your writing and I’m sure That Stuart would be so proud of you. Your an inspiration to Stuart and your family. I hope that some young men think differently about life and get some help with reading your blogs not only men but women.

    Liked by 1 person

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