Still so young to travel so far
Old enough to know who you are
Wise enough to carry the scars
Without any blame, there’s no one to blame
When I think back to the early days of us together in Esmerelda the car, I see two different people. Me: I was untouched by tragedy , you were hit with the loss of your mother at 13 to cancer and then to all intents and purposes the loss of your father to another woman, who did become his wife. Your mothers’ family used you- (I can’t speak for your baby brother- 4 years younger); as a missile with which to hurt him for moving on to a new relationship within weeks of your mothers death! In turn all it did was damage and diminish you, scramble your brain, question your loyalties and as you said ‘your world was on fire and nobody around you even smelled the smoke’!
We spoke often of the reason he did it, I couldn’t understand the motivation behind it, your father had nursed your mother to her death- without fault- even those who hated him in the end; say he was devoted, he had loved her since she was 5 years old & therefore was that devotion so surprising?. You believed and heard from his own mouth; “If I don’t have C then I’ll turn to drink”, you at 13 didn’t need to hear that and shouldn’t have had to, but you gave him your blessing as having him function even with another woman around would be better than the alternative- going to the live with the Aunt (Your mother’s sister). You couldn’t have seen the consequences of your 13 year old words and why should you, he was your father. The man you idolised, he was in your words- ‘ the best man in the whole world, he was everything to me, I just wanted to be him when I grew up’- and how that ‘ok’ haunted you for years and perhaps even to the end! He let you down, he wasn’t a father to you, he looked after his own interests and wasn’t the parent he once was. You couldn’t equate those two men- But now as I sit writing this, 4 months since I lost you I can understand at least from my perspective- That man you knew from your childhood; my Lobster died the day your mother did. He rebuilt himself into a man, in a way he only could, to build a wall around his heart because, I can only presume the pain of your mothers loss was so profound that he couldn’t bring himself to let you in. I shed a tear even as I write this, remembering your regret at not saying “No its not ok- why are we not important enough to you, why are we not enough for you to function?” But my love, I’ve seen it from both sides now; he loved you, by god I know he did! I saw his face, his eyes and held his hand that day we lost you. Your loss may be harder on his soul than your mothers loss, because I can only imagine the numerous regrets he has as you grew into a man and had a terribly broken relationship with him- at least at the end things were righted in a way. But I can only imagine the things that haunt him, the things he would change, say, do if he were given that second chance- that I beg all the gods for every night before I close my eyes to sleep!
But losing you my Lobster, I have something terrible in common with your father, I am a widow with children in my 30s. I also have had the unfortunate relations with your mothers’ family which he had too. It couldn’t have been a week since you died, that I realised why your father did what he did!! Your mothers’ family weren’t offering your father help, they wanted to dictate the rest of his life to him. He jumped at the first strong woman who was brave & fearless to take them on. Take them on she did by being by his side. Tolerating what I did for 10 years, she was the woman needed for him, but perhaps not for you and your brother! She forced him to be a man but you can’t force a man to be father especially under the circumstances he had to step up to be one, he took a stand against them (against his nature and yours my lobster). Sadly in taking that stand; as often said by you- you lost him in that battle with them and were left feeling like an orphan!
Of course all of what has past is the prologue to our story:
The Halcyon days of our youth, when you were 18 and I was 21, when we though life was endless, problems were what other people had and all we wanted was to be with each other every minute. Those lines from Crowded House’s Distant Sun, make me think of those people we used to be- we used to listen to it often on repeat in Esmerelda on our many drives. I introduced you to so much music and you showed me the country I had lived in my whole life but never really knew.
Together on those drives- we were Pete and Simone- and ‘yes my love it really is always, always raining somewhere!!’ Sadly the people who came up with monikers of Pete and Simone- wrote another song with a lyric which in these months since you’ve been gone has been buzzing around my mind:
There is a feeling that you should just go home
And spend a lifetime finding out just where that is
You were and are my Home and it didn’t take me a lifetime to find out where that was- it just took losing you for me to understand that you being my home means I can never go there again…until the energies of our bodies meet again in another form and existence. And we will be home again, together holding claws…
Those people from those Halcyon days are still us, they were just the people who had yet to face the trials, the joys, the hardships- of REAL LIFE. We were naive, we were strong and weak together, we argued over stupid stuff, we didn’t see the future that lay in store. Our time together was limited to just shy of 10 years, would that have made a difference? I believe it would have made no difference, I have no regrets, I can say that with absolute sincerity!! Without a shadow of doubt I would suffer any torture & pain for a thousand years if it meant that I could relive every moment of those 10 years with you over!
Who I was when I met you and who I am today, is all because of you. You made me a better, kinder, more patient, stronger person. You taught me to trust, to love with everything I am and more recently; since you passed you’ve taught me that inside me I have something burning that means I can’t give up and I will never be beaten!
I finish this account ending as I began with song lyrics- Stuarty loved Harriet’s voice but found the song tragic- whereas I found and still do find the song (Particularly Harriet Wheeler’s of The Sundays version) full of hope. I thought I was Stuart’s Wild Horse that he had to tame- but as it turns out he was the Wild Horse that broke free and couldn’t be tamed. As Mazzy Star sung “I THINK ITS STRANGE YOU NEVER KNEW”- those Wild Horses will never drag my heart from yours- but tears have and will be cried but I promise you I will do some fantastic living after we both died that day! My faith has been shaken but not broken and that was your final gift to me, to a have faith in anyone or anything is a gift and your faith in me and to never give up on me- so in return for the rest of my days I’ll never give up on you my Lobster.
This picture at the end I was doubtful to include- but I believe it catches a moment between us where my love is so evident its almost too intimate to be public- but I want everyone to see- this love was real, true love exists, when you find it grab it and hold it for as you long as can. In my case this Blog in a way is letting go of our tangible love; as whats in my heart and soul will remain till my last breath. So here it is the image, it was lazy a Sunday morning in bed and he must’ve taken the shot. I love looking at it and it makes self evident those feeling of peace and calm he brought over me. I will miss that peace he brought me in life but in death I feel almost like his own internal peace was transferred into me, all I do is think of him or some happy time and peace and calm flow over me.
Faith has been broken tears must be cried
Let’s do some living after we die
Wild horses, couldn’t drag me away
Wild, wild horses, we’ll ride them some day