Ultimate Despair vs Ultimate Bliss…
In 16 days we would have been married 7 years, I am again feeling sorrowful and melancholic; but that my dear reader is Grief. No human who ever loved is protected from it! For a long time I have been thinking which pain is worse in my heart: the utter shock and despair of what happen that bright September day or the pain of knowing of all you will never see and experience
Look at these Three Wonderous Creations, together we made them! Given they each brought with them their own surprises and tribulations, but you my Lobster, were born to be their father.
I miss you. I miss your voice, your smile, smell, your hugs, your jokes. I miss how you made me feel, I just miss everything about you and I wish I believed in heaven the way our children do! Is it the blessing of innocence that gives them that surity that they will see you again? I used to say I hope this is the only existance we get, but now I hope that like what was written in Cloud Atlas; we are not dead long and that death is only a door. That whenever my existance on earth ends, a door opens to somewhere else and I will find you there; waiting for me with that smile I love and those shining green eyes of yours!
I don’t know the future, I lost you out of the blue. Our family is struggling under the weight of your abscence. I feel terrified almost everyday of one of our two eldest children doing something to themselves. I can’t even write the words, let alone think them. But I’m frightened I can’t help them, that I don’t make up for both of our parenting. Letting you go was hard at the funeral. But then a rainbow came like our rainbow baby did.
We once talked of this place, so on New Years Eve 2017, I took some of your ashes there, I needed you there because I had no idea about the birds. It was then, sitting on the beach, ready to empty you into the water that it occured to me that to know ourselves, we can only really see through the eyes of the other. You saw me and I saw you, your life extends beyond your Human exsistance, your heart beats within me as sure as my own beats and like water wipes words written in sand away with the tide, I believe Rumi said: There are two ways of seeing, with the body and with the soul. The body’s sight can forget, but the soul remembers forever”!
Wherever you may be my Lobster, guide me now, help me now! I hope seperation is in fact an illusion just David Mitchell said in Cloud Atlas, I hope I told you enough how much I love you, how much you complete me, how you’re my world. Like Dumas Said: the sum of all human wisdom is contained in these two words: Wait and Hope. I hope you know my heart and soul belong to you still and that I wait to see you on the other side of that door someday! With no words, just your smile and your kiss. I loved you Then, Now and Always. B. H. N. M. L